Self-Improvement is Masturbation


That’s a Fight Club line, and I was feeling it today.

(Not feeling it, like… Oh, get your mind out of the gutter!)

The irony of that line in the movie is that it’s spoken by Brad Pit, who’s a heart throb with, like, 2% body fat. He and Ed Norton are looking at an ad on the subway saying, “Is that what a real man looks like?” C’mon, they’re Hollywood actors. Is that what a real man looks like?

Anyway, I was standing in line at Subway for some lunch. Should have eaten the healthy chicken and noodles leftovers I made last night for dinner. If not that, I should have at least gotten one of the “healthy” sandwiches on the Subway menu. (As healthy as any processed meat stuck between two lengths of freshly baked yoga mat can be.) And I was eyeballing the chips, deciding between the BBQ baked or the delectable sour cream and orange cheese powder baked. I guess they’re both “baked” not fried, but one sure seems a tiny bit healthier than the other.

And I just about snapped.

On top of all the other stress I’m feeling these days, do I really need to be stressing the failed “diet” and “get healthy” shit right now? Do I need to be quite so hard on myself for failing to live up to the Hollywood standards of beauty while struggling with the actuality of real life’s important up-hill marathons??!

Screw Hollywood! That’s just them telling you that you aren’t good enough. Even if you punish yourself enough to actually get a result, you think you’re going to be suddenly pardoned from the working man life and brought into the elite ballroom of beautiful people? You’re going to be able to quit your job and be driven around by a silver-plated horse and buggy for the rest of your pillow-cushioned days?

No, I don’t think so. You’re just going to be taught to hate yourself all the more because if you could lost that one pound, why can’t you lose the next 10?!

I need a damn break.

I need to take it easy on myself.

Life is beating me up enough without me beating on myself too!

I bet you could go a lot easier on yourself, too. If only social media and the Kardashians would stop bombarding you unrealistic expectations and unattainable goals.

My suggestion: Give Facebook and celebrity gossip a break. You’ll be amazed at what a break you get out of it too!

(Note: FB and Hollywood aren’t my primary sources of “I’m too fat to live” – that’s one of the bad sides of military brainwashing. But even that has been influenced by our shallow American standards.)